A Journey of Self Reflection

What is this life all about………..

I sit here at my kitchen table. It is early morning, the birds are outside my window singing their musical rhythms. Their beautiful symphony will play for hours as I slowly drink coffee. Flowers are breaking free of their frozen bonds. Trees are showing the buds that will soon become the generators of life. It is early spring and life is just beginning to reemerge after a long winters slumber. The circle of life is beginning to make the return to life. As the sun rises from the Colorado horizon, I reflect about my life and how my life has led me to this point.

I think about all of the mistakes I have made. I think about all the good things I have done. I think about how many of the former outnumber the latter. They say that hindsight is 20/20 but I believe that is a ineffective way to look at life. Sure, I can always look back at my life and say “well, that was a bad move”. However at the time the decisions were made, I believed I was making the right choice. It is not until the repercussions of my decisions came to fruition that I realized that mistakes had been made. I can always look back and think about what could have been. How it could have been different, but I will never have the opportunity to go back and change any mistake I made in the past.

So the question now is what? I have to look in the mirror and see the person I am at this time. The man who looks back at me looks tired. He looks older, as if time is slowly pulling the life from his frame. The lines from so many years of smiling are starting to show. The scars of life are becoming more abundant and pronounced. The aches and pains of a lifetime of hard work are creeping up in an attempt to steal the joy from life. But I continue to look in the mirror, past the morning stubble, past the beginning of the wrinkles there will be, past my tired blue eyes and into the person inside. I look inside and look at the person I am. I look inside and see a child who was so afraid of so many things. A child who did not speak to others. A child that teachers thought was mute until the third grade. A child that was so introverted that he had to go to speech classes to learn to speak.

I see a child that had no self esteem, a child that was teased constantly by his class mates. A child that could never tell anyone about the girls he liked, not for fear that he would be teased, he was always teased. But it was a fear that they would tease the girl that he liked. So he never told anyone about who he liked. He never told anyone, anything that would come back on someone, that would cause them to go through what he was dealing with.

I see a teenager that spent a lot of time alone. A teenager who was afraid of social connections. I see a teenager that had a difficult time making friends. I see a teenager that was so afraid of making mistakes that he didn’t really try. I see a teenager that so desperately wanted to be accepted that he was scared to try anything for fear that he would be ridiculed. I see a teenager that was really good in school and despite the teasing, had perfect attendance. I see a teenager that gave up on the good grades, I see a teenager that fell into depression. A teenager that discovered if you started partying you were more accepted. I see a teenager that did foolish thing searching for approval by others. I see a teenager who coasted through his senior year, and I see a teenager who gave up going to college.

I see a young man, a young man that did not have the courage to ask a girl on a date until he was 19. I see a young man finding out his ex-girlfriend is 6 months pregnant. I see a young man holding his first child. I see a young man who’s life had from that moment changed. That was the moment I discovered a purpose to my life. This was the beginning of a new life. It was the beginning of finding a reason to focus on being successful. It was the first time I had a direction to go.

Now I look back in the mirror, and I ask myself. Are you the man you want to be? Are you walking the path you want your kids to follow?

The honest answer is, no………..but I am trying.

I can not change my past, but I can change my future. So instead of looking to the past for regrets, it is time to look to the future. To do my best as the person I am to make the best decisions I am able, from this day forward, to raise my children. To give them a father to be proud of. I strive to be a better man, I strive to help others. I write about where I have been to where I am going. I write to find happiness in my life, as my life slowly fades into age.

I write about my journey so that when I am gone, my children can see the man I was. And I will work hard to make them a dad that they will be proud of.


2 Comments Add yours

  1. kristianw84 says:

    Hello, James. I wanted to comment and let you know that your words moved me. Not one of us is without faults, but recognizing our mistakes & moving forward is learning, & growing. It seems you’ve reached that point. Kudos to you. Some men who have children young don’t step up to the plate to play the role of dad. I commend you for that too. It seems like you’re already a man your kids are proud of. 🙂

    1. James says:

      Thank you, it always seems as the learning never ends 🙂

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