A Teenager Guide: How To Survive The Loss of WiFi (Satire)

What do you mean the power is out? My phone is almost dead and the WiFi is out. WTF am I going to do?

Step One

Relax, even without WiFi everything is going to be OK. I realize that many of you do not realize but there was a time in history where, well, we just didn’t know everything. A time when the answers we needed came from books and not a magical device we hold in our hand. It was a time when If you wanted to know what your friend was doing, you had to go find them and ask them. This was the B.I.S. time period (Before Internet Saturation). Many people see these as dark times in human history, when people actually had to use a phone that was attached to a wall!

Step Two

Now that you have taken a moment to understand your situation, you will be able to work your way through this. With no availability to connect to the outside world you will need to rely on the skill you have learned in school on how to survive in this type of hostile environment.

What’s that? The schools didn’t teach about anything like this? Well that is unfortunate, I guess your just going to have to perish.

However you are in luck! You will survive this! That is why we developed this guide. To teach those who have lived in the time of internet and social media saturation, how to live without that saturation. There truly is life beyond Instagram and Snapchat!

Take a second to think about things you enjoy doing. Things that are not related to your phone or laptop. Grab a pen or pencil (Old fashioned writing instruments) if you are unsure of these ask the nearest adult above the age of 40. Then grab a piece of paper (white wooden parchment for writing on). Take these two items and make a list (List of items with brief descriptions) of things you need immediately. Then make a second list of the things you enjoy doing.

Step 3

Your first list should be of necessities. This should include:

  • Water– Clean, reverse osmosis, filtered and/or bottled water (In a terrible situation you drink water from the tap, however that is not currently recommended)
  • Food – If the power is out for some time you will need to cook and eat the organic, range free meats before they spoil. (We will go over starting a fire in the next section)
  • Shelter– Check to make sure your home, or room is secured. Make sure you are protected from the elements. Make sure that your window is open if it’s hot and shut if it’s cold.
  • If you still have water pressure fill the tub with water, you will thank me later.
  • Toilet Water– If the power is out for some time you may lose water pressure, if that happens you won’t be able to do things like use the toilet. However, since you followed this list you now have an entire tub of water to use to flush the terrible things in the bowl. See I told you that you would thank me.

Step 4

Now that things are secured lets look at how to cook meat before it spoils. Meat has to be cooked to an internal temperature of 165 for chicken and 145 for pork and beef. You will want to be sure this is done correctly so that you do not die from some type of bacterial or parasitical infection. Nothing would be worse for your survival than having to use all the bathtub water you saved flushing lots of bad things down the toilet.

Now starting the fire is going to be a little tricky. It is not recommended to start fires indoors, even in dire times such as these. I would recommend creating a fire pit outdoors (Outside of the house)

Firepit- a pit dug into the ground or a freestanding metal vessel, in which a contained outdoor fire is made.

Starting the fire will be the most difficult, however if Neanderthals could do it, I am sure that you can as well. If you are between the ages of 12 and 17 there is no need to explain how to do this because you already know everything.

Step 5

Once the necessities are out of the way lets work on the second list. This is the truly important material. How are you going to entertain yourself?

There was a time, a time long ago when there were no social media. The only way to communicate with people was with real words produced by the larynx.

These audio vibrations would be received by the auditory receptors of other people in the area. The amount of people you could reach depended on the tone and volume of vibrations from the larynx.

Such a primitive form of communication, but when times are tough it is good to be able to fall back to this simple type of meaning conveyance.

There was a time before video games that children were forced to use their imagination.

Imagination.

noun

  1. the faculty or action of forming new ideas, or images or concepts of external objects not present to the senses.

With this imagination children were able to take this.

And create something like this!

Now you may be saying to yourself “I don’t have an imagination”

However to you you I say neh neh!

We all have an imagination!

No matter how dire the circumstances may be, or how long the internet is out, there is an entire world out there to be discovered. Simply open the door and go find it!

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